Airplanes and Airlines

Last Modified: August 13, 2000

An Award should go to a United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS!"

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out!"

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 6 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the River, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

There is report of a 2 seater private plane which crashed into a large cemetary in Poland.

The Polish Fire Dept has reported recovering over 300 bodies and are still digging....

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360.

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."

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PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first."

The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.

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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high...

San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 back to the airport.

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Clipper 201, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7...did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Pan Am Clipper: "Roger, Clipper 201, cleared for takeoff... and affirmative, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

(Basic Non-Advanced Maneuvering Headwork Course For All Aviators)

• It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than to be up there wishing you were down here.
• An airplane will probably fly a little bit over gross, but it won't fly without fuel.
• Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.
• If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn'emoff.
• Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
• Too many pilots are found in the wreckage with their hands around a microphone or holding onto a keyboard. Don't drop the aircraft in order to fly the microphone.
• An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi.
• Fly it until the last piece stops moving.
• No one has ever collided with the sky.
• Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.
• A thunderstorm is natures way of saying "Up yours."
• Keep looking around, there's always something you missed.
• Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
• Any pilot who does not at least privately consider himself the best in the business is in the wrong business.
• It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
• Hovering is for pilots who love to fly, but have no place to go.
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• A jet fighter in the air is a dual emergency: Low on fuel and on fire. A single engine jet is a triple emergency.
• The only thing worse than a captain who never flew copilot is a copilot who was once a captain.
• A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers.
• Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
• The first thing every pilot does after making a gear up landing is to put the gear handle down.
• A "good" landing is one which you can walk away from. A great landing is one which lets you use the airplane another time.
• A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.
• Good judgment comes from experience. Good experience comes from someone else's bad judgment.
• An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
• A smooth touchdown in a simulator is about as exciting as kissing your sister.
• Three things kill young pilots in Alaska: weather, weather and weather.
• Things which do you no good in aviation:
• Altitude above you.
• Runway behind you.
• Fuel in the truck.
• Half a second in history.
• Approach plates in the car.
• The airspeed you don't have.

• Fuel is life.
• Any Captain who takes less than 45 minutes of holding fuel is playing Russian Roulette with the ground.
• Power Plus Attitude Equals Performance for you non-Navy types.
• Fly Safe!

(supposedly true):

• Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry, folks, for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."
• An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said >that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"
• "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
• United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins, as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so-called "touchdown."
• About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."
• Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to lose your luggage."
• Student pilot to irate instructor: "Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! Get off my back, man!"
• A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?! But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston. . . (after a short pause and several clicks) . Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride!! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now!" As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom."

Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.

In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but

maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines! 

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

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After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

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>From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

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Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

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Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

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"Last one off the plane must clean it."

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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...

Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Those German controllers at Frankfurt Airport tend to be a short-tempered lot. They not only expect pilots to know their parking location but how to get there without any assistance. British pilots are famous for their wry British sense of humour:

So it was with some amusement that we (Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt. Speedbird 206 clear to active."

Ground: "Good Morning. Taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground. I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly), "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said,"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

Feedback or comments? Mail to: John Schultheis /