Blonde Jokes

Last Modified: August 13, 2000

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. And for year and years they live there, one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one"

So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-I just want to go home" and POOF she is gone.

Then the redhead makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" and poof she is gone.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her " my dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here"

Thanks to Teri LaTaille for this entry.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes, and of how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He rushes over and says, "Jeez, are you all right?"

She slowly nods her head yes.

"What are you doing?" he asks incredulously.

"I wanted to prove that not all blonde women are dumb," she started, "and I wanted to do it by painting the house."

"Well why do you have both a ski jacket and a fur coat on?" he asks dumbfounded.

"Well," she says, "I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said: For best results, put on two coats."

Thanks to Jim Pasha for this entry.

A blonde is walking beside a creek. While she's looking around she notices Judi walking along the other side of the creek. She yells to the other blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"

Judi replies, "You are on the other side!"

Thanks to Barbara Schultheis for this entry.

A blonde wanted to go ice-fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy foot-stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Who are you --- God?"

The voice replied, "No, I own the Ice-Rink!"

Thanks to Mark Edwards for this entry.

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Thanks to Jim Pasha for this entry.

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you`ll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that`s amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded..."I`ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

Thanks to Victoria Dodge for this entry.

Thanks to Keri Lyn Johnson for this entry.

A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding.

Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

Thanks to Teri LaTaille for this entry.

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT...

Thanks to Jim Pasha for this entry.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it in to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Thanks to Jim Pasha for this entry.

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies.....

"Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"

"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

Thanks to Russ Lucas for these entries.

One day, a man comes home from work and finds his blonde wife leaning over the kitchen sink and crying.

He said, "Honey, what's wrong?"

She said between sniffles, "I ... I dropped the ice cubes on the floor, and then I rinsed them off in hot water, and now I can't find them."

Thanks to Cindy Clark for this enty.

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says,

"OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

Thanks to Cindy Clark for this enty.

Thanks to Keri Lyn Johnson for this entry.

When the surgeon came to see his young blonde patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.

So the doctor asked. "What's wrong?"

"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life.

"Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."

Thanks to Chris Monahan for this entry.

Thanks to Keri Lyn Johnson for this entry.

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan." 

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second.

The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

Thanks to Jim Pasha for this entry.

Three women are to be executed. One is a brunette, one is a redhead and one is a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks is she has any last requests. She says "no" and the executioner shouts: "Ready! Aim!" Suddenly the brunette yells: "Earthquake". Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks is she has any last requests. She says "no" and the executioner shouts: "Ready! Aim!" Suddenly the redhead yells: "Tornado!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

By now the blond has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says "no" and the executioner shouts: "Ready! Aim!" and the blonde yells "Fire!!"

Thanks to Jim Pasha for this entry.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers.

The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.

At the end of the first day the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 4.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles.

The boss was so exited he told the blonde to keep it up and the job was hers.

The next day the redhead painted 5 more miles, the brunette 5.6 more miles and the blonde another 4 miles. The boss told the blonde not to worry, "You still have a good lead.

So, on the third day the redhead had painted another 6 miles, the brunette another 5 miles and the blonde had only painted one mile.

The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so good."

She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."

Thanks to Jim Pasha for this entry.

A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The blond man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

The clerk said, "Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."

After awhile, the blond man returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.

Thanks to Jim Pasha for this entry.

A blonde went to her mailbox several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds.

A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.

"My computer keeps telling me I have mail" she replied.

Thanks to Jim Pasha for this entry.

Two engineers were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the correct pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Thanks to Chris Monahan for this entry.

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail. The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Buffie.

Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .

Two minutes pass . . .

Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Buffie said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

Thanks to Jim Pasha for this entry.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, Asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being. It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this, Mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

Thanks to Jim Pasha for this entry.

A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Thanks to Russ Lucas for this entry.

(The actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Thanks to Darryl Dawson for this entry.

Blonde story to end all blonde stories! A True Story.... if she had killed herself-God forbid-she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

(wait for it........)

..................

(REMEMBER, this is TRUE.......)

..................

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.

Thanks to Morgana Barnes for this entry.

Thanks to Russ Lucas and Pam Morrison for these entries.

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Thanks to Morgana Barnes for this entry.

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