John Schultheis: Criminal Hall of Shame

Idiots and Morons are everywhere, especially in the news and in E-mails. Below is a collection of various examples of just how dumb some criminals can be. There aren't enough prisons to hold all the really stupid people. Here is a short list of some of the dumbest criminals in recent history.

Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people--many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity while also breaking the law. To these brave men and women--ooops, "women and men"--we present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."

Following are their accounts ...

• Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.
• Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. ( Author's Note: Now I know that not all of the people in Kentucky are idiots, or criminals. I got this list of supposedly "reality based jokes" forwarded to me from a friend, and I added it to my humor pages. In June 1999, someone from Kentucky sent me an email complaining that he was "really offended" by this entry. I sent him an email back suggesting that he "go away", and "perhaps find a library and look up the word humor" etc. He responded back to me asking who I was, why I was so rude, and he threatened to "inform the network". I am serious. He calls himself "pigeye". I am not making this up. If you would like to see the actual email texts click here.)
• South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
• Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
• England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a "handicap" was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.
• Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where else can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."
• Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
• Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
• (Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
• (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
• (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help...
• Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
• (Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

Thanks to Darryl Dawson for these entries.

How NOT to Rob a Bank

The following is an excerpt from Tim Clark's "How Not to Rob a Bank" Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be robbers.

PICK THE RIGHT BANK

You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

STUDY YOUR HISTORY

Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

SPEAK TO THE RIGHT TELLER

One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE

Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit....and in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

DON'T ADVERTISE

A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

GO EASY ON THE DISGUISE

One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY

Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toll-booth, offered the security men money.

BE AWARE OF THE TIME

Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK

Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

BE STRONG

Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car, parked nearby, had the keys locked inside it.

Thanks to Mark Edwards for this entry.

Remember, there is no rehab for stupidity.

Last Modified: September 7, 1997

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