Dog Jokes

Last Modified: February 11, 1999

I have tried to put these in some order. I tried to rate them by their humor content, and by their obscenity content. The dirtiest ones are towards the bottom of the page. If you read one that you find offensive, then please stop reading, because they will probably just get worse!

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Two immigrants, on their first day in America, are wandering around seeing the sights of New York City.

One spots a street vendor selling "Hot Dogs" and says in a shocked tone, "My God, do they eat dogs in America?"

"I don't know," says the other, equally appalled.

"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."

They approach the vendor bravely. "Two, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks.

The immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack and turns to the other and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

• Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).
• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
• Dogs think you sing great.
• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs are excited by rough play.
• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
• Dogs understand that farts are funny.
• Dogs love red meat.
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
• Dogs don't shop.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
• A dog's parents never visit.
• Dogs love long car trips.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
• When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
• Dogs like beer.
• Dogs don't hate their bodies.
• No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
• No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
• Dogs never criticize.
• Dogs never expect gifts.
• Dogs don't worry about germs.
• Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
• Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
• Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
• Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
• Dogs don't go to the bathroom with other dogs for long periods of time.

One fall day, Joe was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Joe went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Joe. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died." Joe then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

"Can I borrow your dog?"

"Get in line." replied the man.

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.

"Well...not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well... not exactly...."

"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

A man walks into the bar and asks the bar tender for a drink, he looks over in the corner and a dog is sitting there just going to town licking himself.

The man looks at the bar tender and says, "Man! I wish I could do that!"

The bartender says, "Don't you think you should ask the dog first?"

Two dogs, a poodle and a Great Dane were waiting in their cages at the vet's office. The poodle was very nervous and started a conversation with the Great Dane by saying, "Boy, did I screw up yesterday."

His neighbor, being sympathetic, asked what happened. The poodle explained, "My owner is a very religious lady who recently became engaged to the choir director of her church. His family came over to meet me. I don't know what it was about his mother but when she walked in, I lost control and started humping her leg. I couldn't stop. They eventually got hold of my collar, damn near choked me to death, and then threw me in the back room, so now I'm here to be castrated."

The Great Dane said, "I can understand your situation. My owner is an old spinster who never lets me go out. Yesterday she had just completed her shower and was bent over the tub cleaning it out when I walked by. When I saw her bare ass in the air, I lost control. I mounted the old gal and rode her for all she was worth. I stayed on her until we both collapsed from exhaustion."

The poodle then said, "So I guess you are here to be castrated also?"

"No," said the great Dane, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Thanks to Audrey Hendricks for this entry.

So, these two guys are carpooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn.

"Look," he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?"

The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?".

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style.

So the passenger says "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.

So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks "Well. How did it go?"

To which the driver replies "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her in the front lawn."

After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a cocktail to wind down. The bar becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns into many and soon everyone is tanked. All three lose track of each other and end up going home separately. The next day at the office, the three gather by the water cooler to discuss the past evening's events. The first guy says, "I got so drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks!!!." The second guy pipes in, "That's nothing. I got so drunk that I got in my car and drove it right into a telephone pole. Totaled it. I didn't get hurt but now I have no car." The third guy says, "Well, I got so drunk that when I got home, I started yelling at my girlfriend and knocked over a candle which lit the apartment on fire. She dumped me, all my belongings are destroyed and the home insurance won't cover the damage." The first guy motions the two to come closer and whispers, "I'm not sure you understand. Chunks is my dog."

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