Lawyer Jokes

Last Modified: February 9, 1999

DON'T MAKE A LAWYER ANGRY
[Note: The author apparently just passed the bar in California, important to know for the context of the story.]

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.

I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this asshole of an overaero-bicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.

Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you ****ing idiot."

I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature so I ignore this.

As I drive away she yells, "asshole" at me again. Twice? **** that. I turn around and drive up next to her. "Do you have a problem?" I ask.

"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"

"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"

"You were speeding. I watched you."

"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator, I am.)

"I heard you."

"So, you measured my speed by ear?"

"I can hear."

"How fast did you HEAR me going?"

"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."

The POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding. "What happened?" he asks.

I told him the story, that I'd accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.

"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks. She's pushing it.

I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. Exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop.

She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal."

I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn. "These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop, "which makes them street legal as a replacement."

Ethel's angry now. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this asshole?"

The cop says, "No, I am not."

I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."

"What?" The cop looked confused.

"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen cannot detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."

The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this." "But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses.

She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharges!

Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.

Yeah, I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God.

From Michael Anthony Artero Peredo and Dennis Willson

.... You Are Under Oath....

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
Q: "I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
A: "That's me."
Q: "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
Q: "What happened then?"
A: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Q: "Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
A: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
Q: "How old are you?"
A: "Oral."
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
Q: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Thanks to Teri for this entry

For the Record....

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
How long have you been a French Canadian?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q: So, after the anaesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or a cult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Additional ones from Jennifer Martin and Russ Lucas

Two Lawyers on A Deserted Island

Two lawyers are stranded on a deserted island, nothing around them for miles and miles but water. They've been stranded here for quite some time, so they've gotten quite bored with one another. One of the lawyers tells the other he's going to climb to the top of the tree (the only thing on the island) to see if he can possibly see a rescue team coming. The other lawyer tells him he's crazy and that he's just wasting his time and won't see anything. But the lawyer proceeds to climb to the top of the tree anyway.

He's up there only a short time when the lawyer down on the ground hears him say, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!"

So the lawyer on the ground says, "What do you see? I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So the lawyer reluctantly climbs down the tree and proceeds to tell his friend that he saw a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island. The other lawyer starts to laugh, thinking his friend has surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up floats a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.

The two lawyers go over to where she is, and one says to the other, "Well, you know it's been a long time...do you think we should screw her?"

The other lawyer responds, "Out of what?"

Thanks to Russ Lucas for this entry.

The Lawyer's Game

A lawyer and a brunette are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The brunette just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a brunette that he will easily win the match. This catches the brunette's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The brunette doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the brunette's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the brunette and hands her $50. The brunette politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the brunette and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the brunette reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Thanks to Keri Lyn Johnson for this entry.

Tigers

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, already." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

Thanks to Teri Lataille for this entry.

GETTING MARRIED IN HEAVEN

There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident.

They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St.Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry. I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."

Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord Almighty, where they repeat their request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I'll tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about again."

Well, five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, "please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."

Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"

The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari.

But then ... after the couple were married a few short months had passed, they suddenly realized what a terrible mistake they had committed, and just couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven.

When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them, and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here; Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

Thanks to Jim Pasha for this entry

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