John Schultheis : Men -vs- Women

25 Facts for Women To Know About Men:

• 1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
• 2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
• 3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.
• 4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
• 5. Butthead is the smart one.
• 6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
• 7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
• 8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
• 9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
• 10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
• 11. Socks never constitute a gift.
• 12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
• 13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
• 14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
• 15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
• 16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
• 17. Curley is the bald one.
• 18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
• 19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
• 20. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiztogether.
• 21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
• 22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
• 23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
• 24. No, you can't have the remote control.
• 25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

Thanks to Taz and Larry for this entry.

Top Ten Reasons Why Computers Must Be Male

• 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
• 9. A better model is always just around the corner.
• 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
• 7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
• 6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
• 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
• 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
• 3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
• 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
• 1. Size does matter

Thanks to Mark Edwards for this entry.

Rules for you women

• 1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
• 2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
• 3. Don't make us guess.
• 4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
• 5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
• 6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
• 7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
• 8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
• 9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• 10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
• 11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
• 12. You have enough clothes.
• 13. You have too many shoes.
• 14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
• 15. Your brother is an idiot.
• 16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
• 17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
• 18. Share the bathroom.
• 19. Share the closet.
• 20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
• 21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
• 22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a quickie in the morning.
• 23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
• 24. Check your oil.
• 25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

Thanks to Kat Collins for this entry.

WHAT THEY SAY....WHAT THEY MEAN

What girls say	what they mean
Can't we just be friends?	There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
I just need some space	without you in it
Can you help me with my homework?	If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.
Do I look fat in this dress?	We haven't had a fight in a while
No, pizza's fine	Cheap bastard
I just do not want a boyfriend	I just do not want (you as) a boy-friend now
I don't know; what do you want to do?	I can't believe that you have nothing planned
Come here	My puppy does this too
I like you but...	I don't like you
You never listen	You never listen
We're moving too quickly	I am not going to sleep with until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend
I'll be ready in a minute	I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.
Oh, no, I will pay for myself	I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch
Oh Yes! Right there	Well, near there; I just want to get this over with
I'm just going out with the girls.	We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends
There's no one else	I am doing your brother
Size doesn't count.	unless I want an orgasm

Thanks to Mark Edwards for this entry.

Haircuts

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh Gosh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

-------------------------------

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

Thanks to Taz and Roy Flowers for this entry.

RITA RUDNER'S FACTS ABOUT MEN

• 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
• 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
• 3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
• 4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
• 5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
• 6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
• 7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
• 8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
• 9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
• 10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
• 11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
• 12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
• 13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
• 14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
• 15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
• 16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
• 17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
• 18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
• 19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
• 20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
• 21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
• 22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
• 23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
• 24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
• 25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
• 26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
• 27. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
• 28. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Dictionary of Dating

ATTRACTION

the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT

what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING

the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL

avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY

a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT

a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND

a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE

a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING

a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT

what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY

how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC

a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER

condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love

Thanks to Eda Leung for this entry.

Top 10 things you'll never hear a man say:

• 10. Here honey, you use the remote.
• 9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
• 8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
• 7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
• 6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
• 5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
• 4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
• 3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
• 2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

• ...and the number 1 thing a man will never say:

• 1. We never talk anymore.

Thanks to Taz and Larry for this entry.

Men Are Actually Very Predictable

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Which one did he marry?

The one with the biggest tits.

Thanks to Taz and Larry Kezer for this entry.

Upgrades

Last year, my friend upgraded his Girl_Friend_3.1 to Girl_Friend_Plus_1.0 marketing name: Fiancee_1.0).

Recently he upgraded "Fiancee_1.0" to Wife_1.0 and it's a memory hog, it has taken all his space; and Wife_1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife_1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as Mother_In_Law and Brother_In_Law.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming future Girl_Friend_4.0...

• A "Don't remind me again" button
  
• Minimize button
  
• Shutdown feature
  
• An install shield feature so that Girl_Friend_4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

I tried running Girl_Friend_2.0 with Girl_Friend_1.0 still installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then, I tried to uninstall Girl_Friend_1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of Girl_Friend_X.X that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported by hardware with gold plated contacts.

******* BUG WARNING ********
Wife_1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress_1.1 before uninstalling Wife_1.0, Wife_1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress_1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

********** SOME CLARIFICATION AND BUG WORK AROUND ********** (untested freeware from the net)
Actually, Mistress 1.0 can be installed with Wife 1.0 as long as they reside on separate partitions with allocated resources and the user is able to multitask without degraded performance.

This is theoretical, of course.

Thanks to Eda Leung for this entry.

MEN vs WOMEN : A COMPREHENSIVE COMPARISON

Sure, you already knew that. But now we have conclusive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies, these facts have emerged:

MATURITY:

Women mature faster ... most 17-year-old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

COMEDY:

Imagine a small group of men and women in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited, laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, Man's favorite stooge.

The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship; they chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery, dot their "i"s with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.

A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

RELATIONSHIPS:

A man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and she were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Bs." Then she will get on with her life.

A man has more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us."

This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this; these classes rarely prove effective.

GOING OUT:

When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup ...

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.

A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

LEG WARMERS:

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

CATS:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Kojak's head...

GARAGES:

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

MOVIES:

For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivian Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy."

MENOPAUSE:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

THE TELEPHONE:

Men see the telephone as a communications tool to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

LOW BLOWS:

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

DIRECTIONS:

If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

RICHARD GERE:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women.

NUDITY IN MOVIES:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children! A woman knows everything about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

POLITICS: Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to vote.

Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U- Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

Men talk about "the bachelor party."

PLANTS:

A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES:

Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

There are no women who look good with mustaches.

NICKNAMES:

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Butt-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

Thanks to Darryl Dawson for this entry.

Feedback or comments? Mail to: John Schultheis /