John Schultheis : Humorous Observations

AMUSING IRRELEVANT FACTS

• 1. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.
• 2. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I.
• 3. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
• 4. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
• 5. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. {Who studied this and why?}
• 6. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.
• 7. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
• 8. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
• 9. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
• 10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
• 11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
• 12. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's.
• 13. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.
• 14. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. {Ah! Women's liberation! Here in the Righteous South in some of the more 'enlightened' areas a guy can divorce the old lady if she won't get his beer out of the 'fridge and put the can into the designer huggie of his choice.}
• 15. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
• 16. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
• 17. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
• 18. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
• 19. Every person has a unique tongue print.
• 20. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
• 21. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
• 22. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
• 23. Bubble gum contains rubber.
• 24. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog. {At least we usually don't smell like a dog}
• 25. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
• 26. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.
• 27. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.
• 28. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
• 29. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
• 30. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
• 31. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
• 32. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
• 33. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]
• 34. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
• 35. Some toothpaste's contain antifreeze.
• 36. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
• 37. Millie the late White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991. And, rightfully so, she had a better year.
• 38. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
• 39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
• 40. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
• 41. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
• 42. Mosquitoes have teeth.
• 43. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
• 44. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
• 45. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
• 46. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
• 47. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
• 48. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."
• 49. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
• 50. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."
• 51. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?)
• 52. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

Thanks to Taz and Pete Petersen and Darryl Dawson for these entries.

A compendium of 10 maxims for your perusal...

• 1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
• 2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• 3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• 4. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• 5. Always remember to pillage before you burn.
• 6. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
• 7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• 8. If "clothes maketh the man" then it follows that naked people have little or no influence on society.
• 9. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• 10. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Thanks to Taz and Jim Armstrong for these entries.

Quotable Quotes

• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
  Steve Bluestone
• Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
  George Carlin
• You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
  Ellen DeGeneris
• I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
  Rita Rudner
• I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
  Carol Leifer
• I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
  Ed Bluestone
• The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
  Jackie Gleason
• I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
  Jay Leno
• I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
  Mike Binder
• Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
  Stephen Leacock
• The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
  Roger Simon
• You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
  Pearl Williams
• I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
  Dave Edison
• If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
  George Gobel
• Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
  Billiam Coronel
• Did you ever notice how the prize is never on top? Unless you open the bottom!
  Paul Dennert

Thanks to Mark Edwards for these entries.

Useless Stuff

• The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.
• There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.
• If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of his territory.
• In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls.
• How can you tell when a gorilla is angry? It sticks its tongue out.
• In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.
• In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under frozen foods.
• 1,200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974.
• In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot.
• In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast.
• In the early '80s, a toad was discovered that meows instead of croaking.
• In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.
• About 96% of all American children can recognize Ronald McDonald.
• The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.
• Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.
• America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
• 98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.
• In 1681, the last dodo bird died.
• Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
• What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.
• The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi in 1981.
• When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.
• In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."
• Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards.

Thanks to Darryl Dawson for these entries.

Bumper Stickers

• "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
• "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
• "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."
• "Born Free...Taxed to Death"
• "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
• "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
• "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
• "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
• "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
• "REHAB is for quitters"
• "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
• "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
• "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."
• "SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"
• "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car..."
• "Tow-ers will be violated"
• "I KNOW JACK SHIT!"
• "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
• "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
• "Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
• "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
• "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
• "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
• "If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
• "I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
• "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
• "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
• "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! "
• "Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
• "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
• "Wink, I'll do the rest!"
• "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
• "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
• "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
• "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
• "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
• "Assassins do it from behind!"
• "Learn from your parents mistakes -use birth control!"
• "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
• "Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."
• "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
• "Which came first? The woman or the department store?"
• "LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice."
• "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
• "LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."
• "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."
• "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
• "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
• "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
• "First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.."
• Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"
• "Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter"
• "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "
• "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
• "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
• "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
• "He who laughs last thinks slowest"
• "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

Thanks to Darryl Dawson for these entries.

More Bumper Stickers

• Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
• We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
• It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
• My karma ran over your dogma.
• This is not an abandoned vehicle.
• I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
• It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
• If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
• I want to be Barbie, that bitch has everything.
• Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
• My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
• When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
• I is a college student.
• Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
• Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
• Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
• Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• Don't steal. The government hates competition.
• Is there life before coffee?
• Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
• Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m...
• Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
• The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
• I Cayman went.
• My other wife is beautiful.
• I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
• I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
• There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
• If money could talk, it would say good-bye.
• Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
• If it's too loud, you're too old.
• The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
• Who cares who's on board?
• No radio. Already stolen.
• Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
• Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
• UFOs are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
• I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.

Thanks to Taz and Adam Harrison for these entries.

Things that make you go Hmmm.......

• After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
• How can there be self-help *groups*?
• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
• When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
• If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
• If you lick the air, does it get wet?

Thanks to Steve Bilan for these entries.

What's the Answer?

• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Can fat people go skinny dipping?
• Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
• Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
• Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor, when you can't legally drive and drink?
• Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
• Why is the word abbreviation so long?
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• What's another word for thesaurus?
• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
• If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
• When companies ship styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
• If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read all right?
• If a stealth bonber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• If a cop arrests a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• If a parsley farmet is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• If a turtle doens't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Do cemetery workers prefer the grave- yard shift?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal that only eats endangered plants?
• Do crows have ravenous appetites?
• Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Thanks to Taz and Pete Petersen for these entries.

Actual Ads in Actual Newspapers

• 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
• Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
• For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
• Great Dames for sale.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
• If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
• The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• We build bodies that last a lifetime.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
• Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
• And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Thanks to Mark Edwards for these entries.

Deep Thoughts... by Jack Handey

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."

More Deep Thoughts

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

Feedback or comments? Mail to: John Schultheis /