Redneck Humor

Created February 14, 1999 Last Modified: February 14, 1999

• The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
• You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
• Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
• You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
• Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
• You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
• You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
• You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
• You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
• Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
• You take a six-pack cooler to church.
• You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
• The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
• You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

• Personal Hygiene
• Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
• Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
• Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
• Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
• Dining Out
• When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
• Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
• Entertaining In Your Home
• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
• Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
• Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
• If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
• Dating (Outside the Family)
• Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
• No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
• Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
• Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
• If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
• Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.
• Theater Etiquette
• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
• Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
• Weddings
• Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
• Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
• When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
• Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
• A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
• For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
• Driving Etiquette
• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
• When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
• Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
• When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
• Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
• Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
• Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
• Tips For All Occasions
• Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
• Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
• Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
• It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
• Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
• The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
• Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

Thanks to Taz for this entry.

• Your stall warning plays Dixie.
• Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
• You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
• You've thought of using moonshine as avgas.
• You have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
• Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
• You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.
• You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman "Yankee".
• You use a Purina feed sack for a windsock.
• The side of your airplane has a sign advertising your septic tank service.
• You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
• You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
• You refer to flying in formation as "We've got us a convoy".
• Your matched set of luggage is 3 grocery sacks from Piggly Wiggly.
• You have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
• You fuel your airplane from a mason jar.
• You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.
• You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
• Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass and wheat from the landing gear.
• You figure the weight of mud and manure on your airplane into the CG calculations.
• You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.
• You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been flying for years.
• You've ground looped a Cub after hitting a cow.
• You consider anything above 100 feet AGL as "High Altitude".
• There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".
• You've never really actually seen a sectional, but have all the Texaco road maps for your area (but they're 20 years old).
• You answer all calls from female controllers with "That's a big ten-four little Darlin'."
• There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.
• You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep and goats.
• You use your parachute to cover your plane.
• You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.
• You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
• You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest.
• The tread pattern on your main gear tires doesn't match. Or, there is no tread pattern on your main gear tires.
• Your best com radio has 90 channels.
• You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
• You have a bale of hay and a hound in the baggage compartment.
• Your instructor's day job was at the community sale barn.
• You've got matching bumper stickers on your vertical fin.
• There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
• There is a brown-stained Styrofoam cup strategically stored in the glove box.
• The FAA still thinks your mailing address is your parent's house.
• You think ZULU time means something to do with Africa.
• Your hangar collapses and more than four dogs are injured.
• Your airplane has a sticker that says, "I'd rather be fishing".
• You navigate with your ADF tuned to country music stations.
• You think "Ultralite" is a new beer from Budweiser.
• Just before impact, you are heard saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

Thanks to Dean Baumann for this entry.

After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that enough was enough (they could not afford a double-wide).

So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/1st cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The guy said to the doctor "I'm not the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can up to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, put it in a beer can, he held the can up to his ear and began to count "1,2,3,4,5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Thanks to Teri Lataille for this entry.

• I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
• Duct tape won't fix that.
• Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
• Come to think of it I'll have a Heineken.
• We don't keep firearms in this house.
• Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
• You can't feed that to the dog.
• I thought Graceland was tacky.
• No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
• Wrasslin's fake.
• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
• We're vegetarians.
• Do you think my hair is too big?
• I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
• Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
• Who's Richard Petty?
• Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
• Deer heads detract from the decor.
• Spitting is such a nasty habit.
• I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
• Trim the fat off that steak.
• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
• The tires on that truck are too big.
• I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
• I've got it all on a floppy disk.
• Unsweetened tea tastes better.
• Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
• My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
• I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
• Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
• Checkmate.
• She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
• Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
• Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
• I don't have a favorite college team.
• Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
• I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
• Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
• Elvis who?

• "Well, knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
• "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

• "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
• "This'll jar your preserves."
• "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

• "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
• "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
• "Gooder than grits."

• "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
• "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
• "Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot "

• "A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
• "When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
• "If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
• "He ran "like his feet was on fire and his ass was a-catchin"
• "A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

• "She's uglier than homemade soap."
• "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
• "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
• "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

In Michigan a man purchased a brand new Ford Explorer for the current duck hunting season. He loaded up his Hunting gear and brought his loyal hunting dog and picked up his friend one weekend to go duck hunting. In Michigan one way to entice the ducks into landing or flying low enough to shoot them is to set up decoys on one of the local frozen lakes and wait for the ducks to join their look alike plastic friends.

These hunters Decided to take it one step further and blow a hole into the ice with dynamite to enhance the realism of the ducks swimming on the water,(as a side note; Michigan prohibits use of dynamite in any form of hunting and Fishing).

As they drove onto the ice with the Explorer and came to the area they determined would be ideal to place the Decoys, they brought out the dynamite. Unfortunately, the fuses to the dynamite were rather short, not allowing for a lot of time to escape on the slippery ice once it had been lit. They decided they would just light the dynamite and throw it as far as they could and not even have to run to escape the explosion.

As the dynamite sailed in the air the trusty hunting dog took off to retrieve the stick of dynamite as he was trained to do hundreds of times with an ordinary stick. As the dog rushed to return the stick to his owner, the Hunters screaming for the dog to drop the dynamite to no avail, panicked and decided to shoot the dog before He reached them. As luck would have it, the hunters had loaded the shotguns with lower caliber bird shot used for duck hunting. As the shot pattern spread out towards the dog it scared him rather than stopping him.

The dog proceeded to Run and hide from the hunters, unfortunately his hiding choice was under the new Explorer. As the explosion rang out, the explorer along with what was left of the dog, sank to the bottom of the lake due to the perfect sized hole being blown in the lake ice as planned by the dynamite.

The insurance company has denied the claim turned in by the hunter on the explorer, since using dynamite for Hunting and fishing is illegal in Michigan. The gentleman is still responsible for the remaining 47 monthly auto payments on the Explorer.

• You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
• You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
• Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
• You've ever given a rat trap as a gift.
• Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
• You keep a can of RAID on your dining room table.
• You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
• You ever got too drunk to fish.
• Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road."
• The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
• Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• You prefer car keys to Q-Tips.
• You've ever financed a tattoo.
• You've ever bought a used hat.
• You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• You're considered an expert on worm beds.
• Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.
• "Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit.
• You spit chewing tobacco in house plants.
• Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
• You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur.
• You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk.
• Rather than drinking sacramental wine at church, you "bring your own."
• The Salvation Army refused your mattress.

The Worst (or Best) Country and Western Song Titles of All-Time

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me
6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I figure We Got An Even Deal
10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
16. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over you
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Love Rovers
21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
22. Please Bypass this Heart
23. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
24. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Two rednecks, Bubba and Bobby Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Bobby Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Bobby Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Bobby Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, each put a label on their forehead, and threw the empty bottles under the seat. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," said Bobby Earl. "We're on the patch."  

Thanks to Barbara Schultheis for this entry.

Two Southerners drove to a gas station owned by a northerner for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter ?" asked one Southerner.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex".

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the Southerner.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.

The next week, the two Southerners returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one Southerner asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex".

"2," said the Southerner.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

As they walked back to the car, the one Southerner said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week."

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome praire, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins...

The first says, " I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why just the other day , a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. " Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained completely silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Thanks to Teri Lataille for this entry.

The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly Irishman came in and, with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded, and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded, and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.

The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!

Thanks to Jim Pasha for this entry.

Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D.(high school equivalency diploma), went to work for his father in the family business of Rust-Collecting. One day he met a hillbilly girl and they hit it off and started dating. They enjoyed each other's company, and both liked the same things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry. After the ceremony, the boy was really looking forward to the wedding night, and to show how big a deal this marriage was, he took his new bride to an actual,money-paying Motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out of the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap, and the boy grabbed her and tossed her on the bed. "Be gentle with me," she said,"I'm a virgin." The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in front of her parents' house, threw her out, and burned rubber outta there. He drove to his Dad's house and told him the whole story through eyes filled with tears. His Dad comforted him and said,"You did the right thing, son---don't feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn't good enough for HER family, she sure isn't good enough for OURS!!!"

Thanks to Mark Edwards for this entry.

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