Religious Humor

Last Modified: February 12, 1999

I have tried to put these in some order. I tried to rate them by their humor content, and by their obscenity content. The dirtiest ones are towards the bottom of the page. If you read one that you find offensive, then please stop reading, because they will probably just get worse!

• Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am.
• God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
• God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.
• God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!
• Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
• God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.
• God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!
• Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
• God, help me to finish everything I sta
• God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time.
• God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?
• Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.
• Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
• Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.
• Amen

Thanks to Russ Lucas for this entry.

Thanks to Keri Lyn Johnson for this entry.

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
• Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
• Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
• During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
• The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
• The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
• The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet": in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Thanks to Russ Lucas and Arlene Lucas for this entry.

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with re lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?’

"Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I’ll be damned." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, nudged the man and apologized. "I’m very sorry. Didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Thanks to Barbara Schultheis and Red and Darlene for this entry.

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment that happens to overlook the Wailing Wall. Every morning as she's ready to leave the apartment, she sees the same old Jewish man praying vigorously at the wall.

One day, somewhat hard-up for a story with an impending deadline, she goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "I have seen you come every day to the wall for several months. May I ask you how long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 35 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is deeply moved, and almost speechless. Fortunately her expensive university training kicks in to cover her and she ask the "universal reporter's 'howdoesthatmakeyoufeel' question" almost by reflex: "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 35 years and pray for these things?" she asked.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

Thanks to Jim Pasha for this entry.

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

Thanks to Keri Lyn Johnson for this entry.

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.

"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.

Thanks to Teri Lataille for this entry.

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decided to just stay in the hospital and get a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and a tummy tuck. She has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got 30-40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God and asks, " I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?

God replies, "I didn't recognize you"

Thanks to Keri Lyn Johnson for this entry.

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well, the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, and then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said...

"Not very Fuckin' strong tonight, are you Batman?"!

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, and he saw a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," said the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

Thanks to Russ Lucas for this entry.

Mahatma Gandhi was a very spiritual man who would walk barefoot for miles helping the poor. Such was the extent of his walking that he developed exceptionally hard skin on the soles of his feet. This walking, coupled with other exertions, often left him in a very weakened state, but nonetheless he remained able to perform his clerical and spiritual duties, administering mystical remedies to the poor and sick. However one disability that depressed him greatly was his renowned bad breath, brought on by a combination of over exertion, poor hygiene and a bad diet. It was these factors that led some historians to describe him as a "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

Thanks to Linda Wanless for this entry.

It seems that historical religious leaders (between moments of dispensing wisdom) had also learned software programming.

One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed.

The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.

The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.

Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out.

After a moment it came back on - just in time for the clock to indicate that the last competition was over.

The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen.

After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.

When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:

( A pun is a terrible thing to waste... but then again, the seminary calls their network "The Promised LAN" )

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd. No priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic liturgy. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

.

.

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'

.. the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young, newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special equirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

The man said, "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."

(This anecdote came from a jewish coworker of mine)

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No."

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

God created the mule, and told him, 'you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.

The mule answered:'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.'

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, 'you will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'

And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.'

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.'

And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.

And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.

And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"Well, no," said the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

Three doctors are returning from a conference when a truck crosses the median and hits their limo. All of a sudden they are face to face with St. Peter. He looks at the doctors and says "Tell me why I should let you into Heaven."

The first doctor says "I won the Nobel Prize in Medicine."

"OK!" says St. Peter, "Welcome to Heaven."

The second doctor looks worried and says "I never won any prize; but I devoted my career to a free clinic where people could get treatment at no cost." St. Peter smiles and holds open the Pearly Gates for doctor number two.

The third doctor smiles and says " I am responsible for setting up HMO's throughout the United States."

St. Peter looks this man in the eye and says "You may enter Heaven as well, but you can only stay 3 days."

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks...

"What may we do for you my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,

"Please, knock on this door" and leaves.

The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

"Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy

Thanks to Russ Lucas for this entry.

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrance - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"

Father O'leary is doing confession one Sunday when he realizes he has to pee. He peeks his head out of the confessional and sees a group of altar boys sitting in the pews. He calls out for one and asks the little boy to take his place while he goes to the bathroom, "Whenever they enter, allow them to confess, and using this list, give them the appropriate repentance." There's a list posted on his side of the confessional. "For theft, 6 hail-marys. For murder, 12 hail-marys and an hour of silent prayer, and so on, ya got it."

The boy nods and proceeds to wait.

Along comes a lady who enters the confessional and begins "Father, it's been 2 weeks since my last confession." The boy, in a low,manly voice responds "Yes, go on my child." She continues to tell him that she gave a blowjob to a man who was not her husband. The boy scans the list saying to himself "Blowjob, blowjob, where's the friggin blowjob". Well there's no listing for blowjob, so he looks out and asks Tony, another altar boy, "Hey Tony, what does Father O'leary give for a blowjob?" Tony goes, "A handful of gummi Bears and a Snickers bar."

Thanks to Russ Lucas for this entry.

Feedback or comments? Mail to: John Schultheis /