Sports Humor

Created February 14, 1999 Last Modified: February 14, 1999

I can't remember who said this quote, but it was some famous college football coach.

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"

--Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

--Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"You guys line up alphabetically by height"

--Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

--Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class."

--George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

--Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

--Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore."

--Yogi Berra

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

--Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage - about 20 minutes - during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are wont to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he said. "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a female dead body. Out of respect the Chargers fan took off his hat and placed it over her right breast. The 49er fan took off his hat and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Cowboys fan took his hat off and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when he arrived, the officer conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Chargers hat, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the 49er hat, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. The officer then lifted the Cowboys hat, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced, lifted it a third time, replaced it. The Cowboys fan was getting upset and asked "What are you, a pervert or something? You keep lifting and looking and lifting and looking".

The officer said "No, I am just surprised, normally when I look under a Cowboys hat, I find an asshole".

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