John Schultheis : Star Trek and related subjects.

Top Ten Reasons Why the STAR WARS Characters Would Kick Butt in the STAR TREK Universe

• 10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".
• 9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew
  of 20, just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with
  R2-D2 and a Wookie.
• 8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia
  still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture,
  Picard looked like hell.
• 7) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse
  power --- Han Solo floors it.
• 6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
• 5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
• 4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
• 3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
• 2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I".
  
  And the number one reason....
• 1) One word: Lightsabers.

Thanks to Taz and Larry Kezer for this entry.

Things that Never Happen in Star Trek

• The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.
• The Enterprise goes to check on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
• The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called "Paradise", where everyone is happy all the time. Everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
• The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form, wearing a silly hat.
• The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a strange alien plague, which turns out to be nothing more than a bad case of the runs.
• An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, but can't.
• A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 23rd century surge protection feature called a "fuse".
• The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
• The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put the crew on trial.
• Upon encountering a giant, 1000-year-old planet-eating device, the Enterprise turns around and hi-tails it out of there.
• The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.
• Somebody takes out a shuttle, and it doesn't explode or crash.
• A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
• The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
• The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day.
• A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
• Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
• Spock the bridge officers that something is entering visual range, and no one says "On screen."
• The warp engines start overheating, but settle down automatically.
• Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a standup comedy routine.
• Data is caught humping the replicator.
• Kirk falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
• An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team, and lives to tell the tale.
• Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of anything anyone says.
• Kirk's hair remains consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
• Kirk gets into a fist fight, doesn't rip his shirt, and doesn't have a slight trickle of blood drooling from the corner of his lip (which he wipes with the back of his hand).
• Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
• The episode ends without Bones and Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke.
• Spock doesn't raise his eyebrow.
• An alien entity takes over Kirk's body, and nobody notices.
• Spock falls down a flight of stairs, stone-cold drunk.
• Wesley selling tickets to an X-rated Holodeck program he developed.

Thanks to Mark Edwards for this entry.

Evil Overlord: Do's and Don'ts

What with the 20th anniversary of Star Wars upon us, here's a little relevant bit of humor. The sci-fi freaks, fantasy nuts, and movie buffs among you should find this especially entertaining....
This list is Copyright 1996 by Peter Anspach . If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

• 1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
• 2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
• 3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
• 4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
• 5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
• 6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicatment before killing them.
• 7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
• 8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him.
• 9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
• 10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
• 11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
• 12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
• 13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
• 14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
• 15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
• 16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
• 17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
• 18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
• 19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
• 20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
• 21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
• 22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
• 23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
• 24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
• 25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
• 26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
• 27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
• 28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
• 29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
• 30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
• 31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
• 32. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
• 33. I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
• 34. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
• 35. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
• 36. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
• 37. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
• 38. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
• 39. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
• 40. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
• 41. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
• 42. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main sqaure of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
• 43. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
• 44. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
• 45. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
• 46. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
• 47. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
• 48. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
• 49. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengance towards me in my old age.
• 50. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
• 51. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
• 52. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
• 53. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
• 54. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
• 55. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
• 56. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
• 57. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.
• 58. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
• 59. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
• 60. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
• 61. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
• 62. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
• 63. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh portables.
• 64. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
• 65. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
• 66. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
• 67. If the beautiful princess that I captures says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
• 68. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
• 69. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
• 70. My legions of terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
• 71. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
• 72. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
• 73. I'll never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
• 74. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used.
• 75. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
• 76. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
• 77. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
• 78. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
• 79. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
• 80. I will see a competant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
• 81. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
• 82. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
• 83. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
• 84. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillence camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
• 85. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
• 86. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Thanks to Mark Edwards for this entry.

Star Trek and the Borg

"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

"Microsoft? What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

.... . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"

"Data, what do your scanners show?"

"Apparently, the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

"Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

.... . . Two Hours Pass . . .

"Geordi what's the status on the Borg?" "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources, I have set up our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

"How much time will that buy us ?"

"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

"Identify."

"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo."

"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."

"Good God, captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

"I don't believe that those are humans sir. If you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."

"Lawyers !!"

"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

"True, but apparently some must have survived."

Thanks to Russ Lucas for this entry.

A Little Bit about Windows

Thanks to Russ Lucas for this entry.

Last Modified: September 7, 1997

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